


Required Elements

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-04-15
Updated: 2001-04-15
Packaged: 2018-11-20 13:51:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11336823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived atThe Basement, which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address onThe Basement's collection profile.





	Required Elements

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

Required Elements by MJ Lee

Required Elements  
by MJ Lee  
E-MAIL:   
GENRE: Humour/Parody  
RATING: R  
SPOILERS: None  
ARCHIVING: Somebody actually wants this?  
DISCLAIMERS: I don't think anybody would want to belong to me after this...  
NOTES: Since it's so quiet on list I thought I'd post this just for the hell of it...  
FEEDBACK: Umm, sure.

* * *

Required Elements  
by MJ Lee

Alex Krycek stood in the dark outside Mulder's apartment.

He took a deep breath steeling himself. Sometimes a man's just gotta do what a man's gotta do.

He climbed the fire escape and crouched by Mulder's window taking out a slender steel tool to cut a circle in the window so he could stick his arm through it slowly and wiggle the lock open.

The window beside him suddenly opened and Mulder stuck his head through it. "Why don't you just open it? It's not as though it's fastened or anything, all you have to do is push it up. Do you have any idea of the cost of putting in a new window? Or you could try the door like ordinary people do."

Krycek glared at him. "Go away Mulder. You're supposed to be asleep on the sofa or watching TV or working on the computer while I steal up behind you."

Mulder blushed, "Sorry, I forgot," he apologized and the head disappeared. The next moment it popped out again. "Oh, could you please try not to smash the lamp? I bought it last week at the Pottery Barn, it was on sale, and I really would like to keep it for at least a week."

Krycek sighed very loudly. "Okay, fine, whatever. Now get inside!"

He entered stealthily.

Mulder was sitting on the sofa reading a book.

Krycek pulled his gun. "Hello, Mulder," he hissed.

Mulder didn't look up. "Can you hang on a minute while I finish this chapter?"

Krycek crossed his arm and started tapping his foot. "I hope you're a speed reader."

Twenty minutes later.

"Okay, that's it, time's up!"

*TWHAP!*

Mulder turned a page.

*SLAP!*

Mulder turned another page.

*BANG!*

Krycek stopped hitting Mulder and stared at him in disgust. "Hello, could I have some cooperation here?"

Mulder reluctantly put down his book and marked the place. "I'm sorry," he sighed. "Now, where were we?"

"I was beating you up, and you were breathing harshly getting incredibly turned on by my leather jacket and dark and dangerous presence."

"Oh, all right." He took deep gasping breaths. "Like this?"

Krycek nodded. "Good."

Mulder looked longingly at his book. "Ah? is this where I take the gun from you and you kiss me?" He grabbed the gun and pushed Krycek against the wall.

Krycek kissed him, hard.

Mulder looked at him.

Krycek looked back.

The air failed to sizzle.

There was a short nonplused silence. And then Krycek said with a hint of impatience, "Well?"

Mulder shook his head. "Sorry," he apologized. "Maybe if you tried again, harder?"

Krycek muttered something under his breath and pulled back his fist. "You know this is supposed to be a team effort," he complained hitting Mulder in the stomach. "Well?"

"No, sorry, still nothing." Mulder looked miserable.

"You're not getting hard as a rock, your cock throbbing with need?"

Mulder looked down at his pants. "Umm, in these jeans?"

Krycek followed his look. "You've got a point. What if you take them off?"

*After some undressing and rather undignified swearing and peeling.*

Krycek sighed, "Okay let's try it again." He arranged his face in a sneering smirk. "Hello, Mulder. I am the ratbastard who shot your father, stole national secrets and betrayed your trust come to taunt you."

Mulder who in the meantime had started reading again looked up from his book and said vaguely, "Yes?" And then, "ah, I forget, why am I supposed to be angry?"

"Hey!" Krycek lost his smirk. "Jeeze, some people just can't *focus*."

Mulder looked offended. "Well, excuse me for being honest. Remember I believe in the truth."

"Honest? Honest?!" Krycek fumed. "We're *supposed* to be mortal enemies. You hate me and want me to the point of madness. You're supposed to beat me up to sublimate your own suppressed lust for me until we are both overcome with passion and fuck like bunnies on the floor, or against the wall if you prefer," he added generously.

Obviously deciding that if things were left up to Mulder they would not progress much further, he reached out and started vigorously rubbing Mulder's cock... and rubbing.... and more rubbing... and still more rubbing.

*Ten minutes of rubbing later.*

The two men stared depressed at the resolutely soft flesh between Mulder's spread legs.

"You know," Krycek finally said. "Some people would think you're not even trying."

Mulder glared at him. "Hey, what about you?"

"What about me?"

"I don't see *you* doing anything."

"What do you mean?" Krycek sounded irritated. "I broke into your apartment didn't I? I threatened you with a gun didn't I? I lost my gun in the violent scuffle ending up with you lying on top of me your erection pressing into my ass." He stared accusingly at Mulder's cock. It didn't even twitch. "Or at least that's what's supposed to happen, if *some* people cooperated."

Mulder didn't say anything, just looked mulish. Krycek sighed and peeled off his jeans, raising himself with a groan on his hand and knees. He wiggled his ass invitingly. However, his dangly bits were, unmistakably - dangly.

"OhMulder!Fuckme!Fuckme!Please!Aaaargh!" Krycek recited wearily. And when Mulder didn't react, "well? Come on! I haven't got all day you know!" he snapped. "Some of us have other things to do."

Mulder glared at him. "As if I don't? Do you have any *idea* how much time it takes arguing with Skinner about my 302's? Not to mention getting fucked by him across my desk? Scully told me the other day that Maintenance are starting to complain, they say the cum is really hell on varnish." He brooded. "That's government service for you. The cheapskates can't even get proper furniture polish."

"You and old Stoneface?" Krycek arched both eyebrows.

Mulder nodded glumly, "Yeah, it's expected see? I'm supposed to be irritating and annoying until he snaps and decides to discipline me."

Krycek shook his head in pity. Just imagining AD Walter Skinner in black leather and a whip was enough to turn him off sex for life - and the one after. He sat down and patted Mulder on the shoulder. "Sorry, no wonder you can't get it up."

Mulder said dolefully, "At least *you* get to do some fun things, like break into people's apartments and shoot them, and have meetings with aliens. All I ever do is run around solving x-files and explaining my weird theories to Scully that always miraculously turn out to be correct. Then she gives me a *look* and the air vibrates with ust."

"UST?"

"Unresolved Sexual Tension."

"Oh, so you and she's never...?"

Mulder shook his head. "Nah, seven years and one lousy kiss on New Year's Eve when you kiss even your mother-in-law. At this rate by the time we actually get to first base we'll be in a retirement home. Actually, the last time I laid a female it was a vampire."

"Oh."

"Yeah, and I'm telling you, it was *scary* when she sucked my cock. One wrong move and whoom! An inch or two gone."

Krycek winced. "Ouch."

A long gloomy silence.

"So let me get this straight, you could get it up for a vampire who could *bite* it off in one snap, but not for me with my fabulously long eyelashes, amazing green eyes and fantastic body?"

Mulder looked like he was about to cry. "I'm sorry."

Krycek sighed again and patted his arm. "Hey, at least you're not in sexual bondage to CSM, with him secretly lusting after you."

Mulder's eyes opened wide. "No kidding?"

Krycek shook his head, flopping down beside Mulder. "It wasn't too bad once he started brushing his teeth regularly and chewed some breath mints once in a while." Krycek wrinkled his cute little nose. "Actually, he's stopped smoking."

"Is that allowed?" Mulder frowned. "I thought all secret shadowy puppet-masters lurking in the dark making mysterious little statements and controlling everyone had to smoke, it's a union rule or something."

"Dunno, but his shrink said it was all anal-compulsive behavior because his mother forced him to wear braces when he was a kid. All he really needs to stop is a good active social life and he won't even want to smoke, or rule the world as the pawn of his secret alien masters. He's taking cooking classes."

There was a long contemplative silence as both men imagined CSM in cooking class, with an apron bearing the legend, 'Kiss the Chef!'

"Wow," Mulder said finally.

Krycek nodded, "Yeah, he's already great at quiches, he even brought a peach pie with him to the last meeting. All the other guys were really impressed. And he says it's a great way to meet women."

"Must be kinda hard meeting women when all you do is sit around in smoky rooms and plan the betrayal of the human race."

"It sure beats spending twenty years in a ship somewhere waiting to take over the earth. I told them we shouldn't have installed cable in the mothership. The aliens are all on strike. The invasion has been postponed while they're negotiating."

"Strike?"

"Yup, with a union rep and everything. They've decided that what they really want is not to invade but to get on 'Jeopardy' and 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' or visit Las Vegas. And the bounty hunter is sulking 'cause he was only booked on Ricky Lake while the Oilien got Jerry Springer. The alien scientists are demanding at least eight weeks vacation and a chance to meet some earth women that are actually awake. Basically they're all bored and horny. One of 'em told me, '*you* try spending twenty years in a room inserting metal probes in sleeping women with no other company but little gray wrinkly beings with large eyes.'"

"Oh."

Another long silence.

"So? Your cock is not getting hard? You don't want to know all my secrets? You have no desire to beat the shit out of me?"

Mulder thought for a moment. "No."

"Okay."

Another long silence.

"You wanna play some Monopoly?"

"All right, sounds like fun."

THE END

  
Archived: April 04, 2001 


End file.
